My Incessant Laziness
This is quite a personal post, don’t bother reading if you’re not interested, just helped me to write it! 😀
After reading Susan Piver’s blog post about her chat with Getting Things Done author David Allen I had quite a realisation. I’m a woman who never sits still, who has forgotten what boredom is, who never has time to take care of myself as I’m too busy taking care of everyone else, who doesn’t have time to do any of the things I’d like to do in my life, who doesn’t have time to read a book or a newspaper: I’m lazy. It’s true. I’m an avoider. Of everything. Instead of dealing with day to day problems, I challenge myself with new responsibilities.
I often – well, okay, several times a day – feel like I can’t cope with what I have to do on a daily basis. So what better way to deal with this than to ignore those tasks and give myself some new ones to concentrate on! I latch on to things: the desperate need for a third child, a new puppy, kittens, a degree, writing a novel. In doing so, the everyday stuff gets pushed aside to make way for this new fad or that new plan. Everything is done with right intention at the time. I’m not stupid either. I’ve allowed myself to do this. If I’d seen a friend doing this I would have pulled them aside and had a chat about what a mess they were making for themselves!
This realisation is pretty important. It means I’m going to have to take some action. Face some things I’d rather not have to contemplate and am a master at ignoring. In order to be calmer, happier and to find out what I should really be doing with my time, I’m going to have to clear out the clutter.
The trouble is that this is going to be no mean feat. I’ve been avoiding problems and saddling myself with more responsibilities for many years now. Where do I start? Financial problems, emotional problems, overly-naughty 7 year old daughter, disorganised and untidy house, struggling business, excessive weight, return to my smoking habit? These are just my main problems, there are lots more little ones! Like busying my mind with aimless internet browsing, twittering, playing silly puzzle games when I should be doing something more constructive!
I’ve long been considering avenues to return to work: either to renew my nursing qualification, or to become a teacher, or a writer, or one of a myriad of other ideas. Now, I realise that this would be foolish at the moment. I have no idea what I really want to do. I need to try and ‘unbusy’ myself, relax, achieve that ‘mind like water’, or at least like something other than very sticky, thick mud! I need to do this before I can really think about what I can be good at. I love my family, I’ve just let things get out of control. At the moment, I pretty much despise myself for what I’m doing to myself and my family, but I’ll need to shake that feeling first!
This has turned into a little bit of a rant, so I’ll stop now.
I’ve decided on my starting point. I’m pretty much useless with will power: I started a diet today, missed breakfast and ended up making myself fried eggs on toast for brunch! I’m going to stick to the diet, try and get back to allowing myself half an hour to practice zazen daily, and deal with new problems right away so they don’t stack up with the old ones. This should get me feeling a little better and able to start dealing with some older, previously ignored problems, although this will require some amount of stamina, and maybe even a little bravery.
Wish me luck, I’m really going to need it!